The Illusion of Control

Birth Control.  Have I heard of it?

Control and Choice.  I’ve given these two words a lot of thought over the past several months.   As you may know, my husband and I are expecting our fourth child.  This child was a surprise. She wasn’t what we were “planning” – and certainly not in our 40’s.

Despite the difficulties my husband and I may have in our marriage, one of the best things about him is his faith in God and ability to say: “let’s roll,” when life throws us a few curveballs.  

Our first son, now 12 wasn’t “planned.” He was a big surprise.  We survived the raised eyebrows and the careless comments that “accidents don’t happen today.”  (As a side note, I do not believe that life is an “accident” or an “oops”  -- only a surprise).  Thankfully, we had our little surprise, for as life would have it, we had a few more surprises in store. 

Once we determined we were “ready” for #2, we were unable to conceive. We spent years of “secondary unexplained infertility.”  This process was emotionally, physically and financially draining. 

During our time of infertility, those same careless comments resurfaced again.  I realize that some of these comments were not intentionally meant to hurt or offend, but when one is in the midst of a difficult period, the “relax “ and “it will happen when you’re not trying,” comments do not soothe the pain or ease anxiety.  Efforts to help "solve" the perceived problem, often exacerbate the existing pain and frustration.

Eventually we had #2 and #3. It took some medical intervention to clear out some unwanted endometriosis, but we considered ourselves more than blessed.  We survived a “surprise” pregnancy, endured “infertility” and suffered tragedy of a miscarriage, but our hearts were full.

Fast forward to this spring.  We found out that we were expecting again.  In all honesty, the news was a bit unsettling.  Despite our previous struggles, mentally, my husband and I had moved onto a new chapter. A chapter that didn’t include diapers, bottles, sleepless nights and pounds upon pounds of baby gear and messy hands and faces.

My kids were all in school, my business was thriving, and traveling was a snap compared to the years of schlepping strollers etc. across the county.

I will not lie. I had a little pity party.  I did. And I am ashamed of it.  My mind was running wild with thoughts about what people would say (and those fears were confirmed by some innocent (and not so innocent) friends…”did you know so and so is pregnant with her 4^th?  WHO does that?”  I even had people say: “Wow!  A baby in your 40’s…you are brave.”  Some even took it to the extreme. I'll spare you the shock. 

Then, the silly comments, which we giggle over, the “you finally got the girl you wanted.” (Again, NOT trying people!!). Or, my favorite, and the one that promoted this blog, those generous and self-proclaimed humorists who asked if us we had heard of birth control!

It was the last question that struck me and stuck with me: had I heard of birth control. Of course. But what about birth control is really CONTROLLING?  

Birth control.  Yes. In our society we celebrate birth control. We celebrate a woman’s “RIGHT” to choose (normally, if that choice includes terminating the pregnancy – other choices are not as celebrated or encouraged).  We celebrate a streamlined, “I’m in control” appearance. 

Control. Birth Control. Control.  1-2 kids are fine, but beyond that, what are you THINKING? Kids in your 20s and unmarried -- not okay. Kids in your 30's ok.  Kids in your 40's not ok if you already have other children, but if you've struggled, or recently just got married, you get a pass at being pregnant in your 40s.  WHY?  WHY? Why do we judge? Why do we feel compelled to place conditions on LIFE?

Society simply doesn’t celebrate equally those that choose life. Those that CHOOSE for whatever reason (health, religion, finances etc.), not to use birth control.  In fact, we look down on them.  How SILLY are they?  How CARELESS!  Don’t we KNOW about the many women who went before us to pave the way to CHOOSE to terminate a pregnancy? Those that fought to choose “control.”  I always laugh, because didn’t they fight for CHOICE.  Oh well…I digress.

As I sat in the airport hotel a few nights ago with my family, I received a text from a friend. She’d been absent from Facebook for a few months.  I knew that she had a miscarriage about a year ago, but she informed me that since then, she’d suffered another miscarriage, several failed IVF treatments and a host of other tragic events.  This friend is MY age. She’s desperately trying for a baby, and cannot have one.  As she shared her news, I felt guilt. Extreme guilt over even WORRYING about what anyone might have to say about the choices my husband and I have made.

Let me be clear. I’m not judging. In fact, I wish people would leave one another alone and simply CELEBRATE life.   However, certain thoughts kept gnawing at me.

In my 20’s, my friends and I were on the fast track.  We were hell-bent on getting our college degrees, master degrees, and paving our way for the future was our sole focus.  Any “issue” that threatened to derail those dreams needed to be “controlled.”  

Despite the options available to “control” birth,” many of my friends found themselves in surprise pregnancies.   Many of these same friends opted to CHOOSE to determinate their pregnancies. They bought into societal norms, which told us we were too young.  They needed to CONTROL their futures.  Society patted them on the back and said: “good job…you did the responsible thing by controlling your future.”

What I find striking, is that 15-20 years later, many of these women regret their “choice” to try to control life and to try to control their destinies.  Many now cannot have children.  It’s devastating.  They bought into the lie that they could and needed to “control” their future rather than let life happen and go along for the ride.

This theme of “control” carried on, when I learned of a close friends’ unexpected death.  It surfaced again, with a cancer diagnosis of two family members.

Here’s the rub.  Lack of control is scary.  We want to deal with the known. We crave feeling like we are in control. We fear the unknown, and often mask our fear with criticism and attempts to shame others.  But the truth is, we have little or no control in life.  Really.  Life can be summed up in one sentence:  “It goes on.” (who said that?).

I’ve found no matter how hard we plan and plot our lives, we ultimately have little to no real “control” over what happens.  Our kids eventually grow up and make their own decisions, life will throw us curveballs and the unexpected tragedy (or more will occur). Like a type 1 diabetic, or anyone with an incurable disease or condition, perhaps we ought to focus on “managing” our reactions to life rather than attempting to control it!

Perhaps, if, as a society, we exerted less focus on “control,” and more focus on faith we’d be surprised at the blessings life has in store for us.  Perhaps, if we exerted less “judgment” and more love and compassion, we’d help people feel more free to “choose” the chaos of life – over the contrived and illusory “control” that society has attempted to beguile us with.

Perhaps a focus on what we ARE capable of, rather than what we need to “eliminate in life” would increase our societal success.

I thank God for continually reminding me that no matter how hard I try, I’m NOT in control.  So, I’ve learned (or let’s hope I have!).  Sometimes, just strapping on the seat belt and saying “let’s roll” is the best adventure ever.  

While I have no idea what life will be like with four children…I can only imagine that it will be an adventure and a blessing.  Hang on tight! Life goes on!

Disclaimers:

*My post in no way advocates any particular viewpoint on abortion (religious, political, constitutional or otherwise).  That is a can of worms I wish to avoid at all cost.  In case anyone needs a condensed version of this post, it is this: In my humble opinion, control is illusory, and the choices that we make in an attempt to “control” life, are usually unattainable. 

**For those of you who read this post and are still curious about whether or not we were using birth control.  I’m not sure what to say.  1. You are nosy.  2. You missed the point of the blog, and 3. I’ll never tell because it’s going to drive you NUTS!!!

***Finally, I make no apologies.  I can’t control what you think, or what you’ll take away from this blog (i.e. the entire point of my blog post being lack of control).  If you are judgmental, and find reason to be offended by my post, you, or attitudes like yours, were likely the source of my post.  If you have a love for adventure, then keep rocking on!