I have a confession...

I have a confession.  Religion has played a very sticky role in my marriage.  There. I said it.  I never figured that two "Christians" marrying one another would have the difficulties that my husband and I had.  Past tense. Had.  But we HAD those issues for a long time.  In fact, we didn't resolve those differences until 2010.  I also purposefully used quotations around "Christian," as the definition apparently can vary greatly depending on one's denomination, geography, culture, education and spiritual belief.

Ok. What am I talking about? I was raised Episcopalian and my husband was raised, well, more Baptist.  The difference? In my view, Episcopalians have no real "rules" and pretty much worship privately.  It's been called the "educated man's religion."  Baptists, on the other hand are what I like to call "foot-stomping, hand-clapping" christians! They are evangelical, meaning that they shout it from the mountain top!  Personally, I like a good evangelical song, but when you get into those sticky wicket issues like salvation, baptism etc., and you're told at the Christmas table that you weren't really baptized, but "sprinkled," then things can get heated.

In my younger years, and in our younger years of marriage, these issues seemed to permeate EVERY conversation and triggered every fight.

I'll skip over a lot of the drama and insignificance and move to our resolution.  As crazy as it sounds, we decided to convert to Catholicism! What? I'm sure you're thinking: "How did you get there?"  Long story, involving issues of infertility and more, but the details don't really matter. What matters is that my husband and I reached this decision TOGETHER.  This was going to be OUR religion, not my parent's or his parent's religion, but ours.

We went to RCIA classes every Monday night from September to May.  That was hard, because we had to pay a babysitter to watch our two sons at the time (I was pregnant with our third).  We learned a lot of information and had some of the best discussions we've ever had.

One of the things that neither of us really understood, nor believed in at first, was the issue and sacrament of confession.  As an Episcopal, I figured: "why tell a priest, when I can just pray directly to God?"  Brian's baptist upbringing really didn't like the idea of elevating a man to a godly position.  I'm not here to get into a huge debate about those issues, but what I DO want to share is what WE learned.

Yes. I can confess my sins privately to God. I don't have to utter a word. I just share my thoughts with  Him and He knows.  So why confess to a Priest?  Like Church, the rite of confession, or reconciliation, is for US-- not God. He already knows our sins.  But for us to VERBALLY confess our sins to another human being helps us!  How?  Well, in keeping with my "shame" theme this week, humans try to hide, deflect and shield themselves from their perceived shame.  We are only as sick as our secrets, or so "they say."

For me, the act of confession, of verbally stating my deficiencies to another human being takes the power away from my shame.  I'm forgiven. I know that, but the priest TELLS me I am forgiven. What a relief!  A huge weight is lifted off my shoulders!  To hide our shame, our sin, our shortcomings...to hide behind a facade and a shield is to give it power and perpetuate it!

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.  So shine a light on shame and sin and watch it dissipate!

The act of confession, while feel like I still don't know what I'm doing, is now one of my favorite (and least favorite) things about being Catholic.  And....in all honesty, I must confess that it's been WAY too long since I've gone to confession.

I'm not perfect, but I guess my point is, let's stop hiding our shame about motherhood, midlife and the career choices we make!  Let's live authentically!

One final point: Go Seahawks!


xooxoxooxoxxo,

Leslie

Strike that. Edit. Revise. Shield. Perfection.

FINE PRINT ALERT!

Here's my disclaimer to my blog. I'm not really going to edit this blog. I mean REALLY edit this blog. So if you are prone to finding typos and pointing them out...well get ready for a field day!  Why? If I edit and proof-read, then I'll PERFECT myself out of my message.  I'll re-think, re-write and then decide to NEVER publish my true feelings.  That's the truth.  Over-editing = lack of authenticity for me. If I sit on my work for a day or two, then I lose the courage to PUBLISH my raw thoughts. So bear with me. Have patience and understanding and remember I'm just a mom, trying to do the best I can with the gifts I've been given!

When I write, I'm not alone. I have my dad, Harvard Law educated attorney in my mind, and my two attorney sisters watching, editing and judging. Not to say that is actually what they are doing, that is what is in my MIND.  My mom and my Grandma (english teachers) are also there, editing my work.  Visually, as I write, I see a sea of red ink. My work -- massacred.  Killed. Crushed.  Beaten to death.  Edits, revisions, someone else's words and thoughts, but not my own.  When I see the red, I feel..scarcity - I'm not good enough. I needed someone else's thoughts, knowledge and expertise to make my thoughts palatable.

Perfection is a shield of mine. I use it to protect myself. If I'm perfect, I cannot be harmed by others. So everything I do, say and how I look needs to be as iron-clad as possible.  Bullet proof.  Ironically, I once off-handedly  confessed to a friend of mine who complimented me on how "put together" I looked, that it is  "when I look the most put together on the outside that I'm falling apart on the inside."  That is the truth. I put an armor on. A shield up to protect myself from the battles I face everyday.

My armor is strong. I've built it up over the years and it is nearly impervious to small-minded dirt throwers.  But today, I read that having cracks lets the light in.  That thought resonated with me.  If I'm perfect; if I am Titanium and bullet proof, then no light can come in!  I want that light! I want to shine!  I want to be disinfected from my shame, my baggage and my perceived failings!  I want people to see ME and to like me for...ME!!!  Because I'm not perfect! I'm beautifully flawed! I'm NOT the best mom in the world and that is OK...because I have yet to meet "the best mom!"  I'm OK being me.  Being Leslie. Being quirky, silly, potty-mouthed me who likes to go to bed early and wake at sunrise. My kids aren't perfect, my junk drawers are a mess, and YES!!! I have forgotten to order my kid's birthday cake!  I'm FLAWED!!! There! I said it!!! Go ahead! Take aim!!

Here's the kicker. We all are flawed. All of us.  You can spend your life looking for the flaws, or you can find the diamonds that years of pressure on those flaws have created!  I had the most WONDERFUL conversation (via text message) with another "Y-sister" (Younique sister) tonight. She let her guard down. She got real. She's sweet and loves her husband -- flaws and all -- just as my husband and I love each other for all our short-comings.  It does make me mad. I makes me VERY mad that we throw rocks at each other and pass those glaring, knowing eye-rolling eyes to others when someone makes a choice to live life differently from us.

Anyway, I figured I should put it out there -- even in legal fine print -- that my blog will have FLAWS.  There will be typos, misspellings and more grammatical errors than I probably know about, but if you are reading this...then you don't really care do you?

Live Life UN-EDITED! Dare greatly!

xoxoxoxoxo

Leslie

Welcome to the "hood" -- Parenthood!

Welcome to the "hood"-- Parenthood!   New a good laugh and some perspective? Then watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Me9yrREXOj4

I saw this commercial on Youtube last week and I think it's all sorts of brilliant! Similac needs to give their PR company and the team who came up with this idea a HUGE raise!  HUGE!

I always feel sorry for new moms (and dads).  They are about to embark on the most amazing experience of their lives, but what they don't realize is all the unsolicited advice, judgment and SHAME they will receive along with the delivery of their baby!

I'm still reading Daring Greatly, and I immediately thought how spot on the Similac video is regarding our culture of shame and "never being enough."  In her book, Brown discusses judgment and writes:

"We are hard on others because we're hard on ourselves. That's exactly how judgment works. Finding someone to put down, judge, or criticize becomes a way to get out of the web or call attention away from our [shame] box...What's ironic (or perhaps natural) is that research tells us that we judge people in the areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we're doing.  If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices."  Daring Greatly, pg. 98-99.

Yes!! I feel blessed to have experienced new motherhood from the vantage point of a full-time working mom, to a full time stay at home mom, to a mom working a full time-flexible career that allows me to work my job around my family.  In fact, I was blessed to have two sisters try to juggle their legal careers and motherhood too! The struggle is real. The guilt and shame are real.  It's like a battle going on in your head EVERYDAY. 

What I learned in every situation is this:  Shame is always there.  If I'm pursuing my legal career and putting my child in daycare I feel guilt and shame that I'm not being a good parent.  When I gave that career up to stay home with my children, I felt the shame of "throwing away my career," and no longer having "real value."  When I was working, I was jealous of the moms go got to go to tumbling, the mommy and me classes, the parties and school and had the "luxury" of wearing sweats and napping when their kids' napped.  When I stayed home full time, I longed for the days of putting on my suit, adult conversation, professional accolades and lunch...ALONE!  My point? Grass is always greener on the other side, and there is always a benefit and a drawback to every lifestyle choice!  

So what is one to do if there is no RIGHT answer?  Easy! The answer has to be RIGHT for YOU. As Brown points out, if we feel good about our parenting, we have no interest in judging!  Which leads me to believe, given the amount of "mommy judgment," that exists today, a majority of us do not feel good about our parenting!  Let that one sink in, and think about it next time you hear a group of mommies gossiping! 

But we do. We do gossip.  We do judge.  We do it to try to escape our own "perceived shaming deficiency."  And the most harmful and insidious part, as Brown points out, is that we're passing this mean-girl "counterfeit survival mechanism down to our children."  Pg. 99. 

I try so hard not to pass along unsolicited advice to new moms.  I try VERY hard not to judge others for the parenting styles they adopt.  I'm not in their home, I don't know their health issues, or their personal stories. I don't know if that formula-feeding mom HAS to formula feed because she has to go back to work or her family won't survive. I don't know if the baby has a hard time latching on.  I don't judge the breastfeeding mom who chooses to feed her child everywhere, whenever she can, because I don't know if she's ever experienced infertility or miscarriages, so she's literally milking every second out of motherhood.  The point is that NONE of us know, and we should ALL be nicer and cut each other some slack.

What makes a kid happy?  A happy mom.  And a happy mom, usually allows for a happier family home environment. The saying "If momma ain't happy, nobody is happy" is true!  So whatever is making a mom happy...let her be!

I still struggle with my feelings of being a good parent.  I struggle every.darn.day.  It's the single hardest job I've ever had.  But I'm doing the best I can with what I have.  Here's to freedom of choice!

xoxoxoxoxo

Leslie 

Shame on me. Daring Greatly

Shame on me. My friend gave me the book, "Daring Greatly," months ago.  It's sat on my bookshelf, and I've had every intention to read it, but didn't. Shame on me!  I should have read this book years ago!

Let me just say that Brene Brown, the author, is genius, and I'm literally thanking God (and my friend) for nudging me to read it this morning.

Since returning home from London on Saturday night, my sleep cycle is still off.  Since falling back asleep seemed out of the question at 4:00 a.m., I decided to pick up the book.  WOW.  Wow, wow, wow, wow WOW!

As I write this, I'm only on page 98. Every sentence is powerful and ripping off the blinders and band-aids I've had on!  My mind is spinning.  I literally feel like I can't get my arms around the material until I write it down!  (I'm learning that I use my writing and research as a "shame shield").

Essentially, at this point in the book I'm learning that we live in a SHAME-induced culture that has ties to "scarcity."  We never have enough time, money, talent, fame, success etc. etc. and we are SHAMED into believing that we are not good enough or worthy of love for a failure to be MORE.

Our shame-based fears affect our struggles and our behaviors, often creating a wicked cyclical effect, augmenting our shame-based fears and taking us farther away from feeling worthy and loved.  This shame impacts how we live our life, the decisions we make and how we judge and treat others.

Why is this hitting home with me?

First, I don't know many mothers and fathers who DON'T feel ashamed at one point or another.  My mom came to stay with my three little boys while I traveled to London.  When I returned, my kids were better behaved, the house was clean, the laundry was done and even my cabinets were organized.  Does it sound like I'm complaining?  I'm not!  I'm entirely grateful that I have such loving and supportive parents.  BUT...the shame tape started running in my head: "You suck as a housekeeper.  You suck as a mom.  You ought to spend more time cleaning, doing laundry etc. etc. than building your business and career."  As I looked around my clean home, I started to feel SHAME! I started to feel that I wasn't good enough and not worthy. No one SAID this to me, I said it to MYSELF!  Ugh!  Since when did I get so good at beating myself up?

Next, the concept of shame has hit home with respect to my relationships.  I've noticed that certain "unfavorable" behavior is triggered by shame, and how belittling or cutting one "down-to-size" does not fix such said behavior, but instead, exacerbates it.  Body image, religion, sex, addiction...all the BIG shameful issues that we "aren't suppose to talk about," yet impact our relationships. We limit ourselves, and put up shields to protect against and deflect our shame.  This past weekend my husband told me that I could be GREAT, if I stopped trying to be so perfect. He jokingly suggested my "perfectly coiffed hair" was a shield.  I'm learning that is true.

Not only am I identifying my own SHAME (shame that I've gained weight over the past few years, shame that I've "let myself go..." just to name the more innocuous shame issues), but I'm identifying how I've been a part of shaming others!  I've shamed the ones I love!  Holy crap! Why? Why would I shame the ones I love?  BIG eye-opener for me with respect to my OWN behavior in several relationships.

This is hitting home because in my adult life, I often wondered (sometimes out loud): "Why do I worry? Why do I CARE what others think about me?"  Why do I limit myself because I'm afraid of what people will think or say?  Moreover, why am I so narcissistic in thinking that others will care or talk about what I'm doing?

Worrying about what others will think or say has played a prominent role with me this past year.  As you know from reading this blog, I sell mascara.  Yes. I did it.  I decided to go into Direct Sales or MLM (multi-level marketing).  Me!  I did!  The attorney-by-trade lady!  I'm not going to lie. People have scoffed at me and said: "why would you do THAT when you have a legal degree?"  I've had people snicker, talk behind my back and make fun.  I've even had my son come home from school and tell me that some kids were making fun of me at school.

But WHY? Why would I feel SHAME about doing something I love?  About working with amazing women who inspire and uplift me everyday?  Why would I feel shame about owning my own business, and leading a team of close to two thousand women?  Why would I feel shame about contributing financially to my family and allowing us freedoms that I wouldn't have with a "traditional" job?  WHY?  Shame. Our culture of shame. That is why.

What I've learned and found through navigating my emotional battles this past year, is that I'm sick of feeling afraid.  I'm sick of living my life according to other's LIMITATIONS.  I want to live life on MY terms. I want to be BRAVE and I want to DARE GREATLY!

Where do I go from here? I'm going to keep reading for starters!  I'm going to learn how to identify my shame,  learn to better utilize "shame-resilient" techniques, and be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, leader and person.

I'm going to SHOW up and let myself be seen -- the midlife mother who's slinging mascara --  because I'm daring greatly!  Younique convention 2014 ♫ Music: Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass Made with ‪#‎flipagram‬ http://flipagram.com/f/PxQcEzAXV7

xoxoxoxxo

Leslie

Yes...Today is a school day!

Winter.  Blah.  Winter mornings.  Double Blah.  Every morning, my two little ones ask: "Is today a school day?" When told "yes," they promptly fly into various fits, feign illnesses and outright HIDE from me.  I'm not kidding.  It takes me a full hour to get the buggers into the car with hats, gloves, coats backpacks and shoes.  Meanwhile, my oldest is hiding playing mind craft and similarly evading my urges to get in the darn car!

Trying to get them all in the car and to school on time is like trying to nail jello to the wall!  Winters are the worst though.  Snow, cold, and 4 day weekend holidays make getting back on track with the "school schedule," nearly impossible!

Today was super special. My youngest flung himself, his backpack and coat onto the floor of the school at the top of the stairs.  Students were stepping over him.  I looked on with awe, despair and sheer amazement at his level of determination.  I long for the days where I can literally "drop off" the kids without having to go into the school.  Especially in the bitter cold.  The last thing I want to be doing is trying to negotiate with a 5 and 6 year old outside in the frigid air!

So yes...today is a school day! Thank goodness!  I need time to work, clean and get things done! Plus, now that I'm over 40, this gal has got to get her booty to the gym!  Those pot pies aren't going to burn themselves off on their own!

Speaking of "work" (I purposefully use quotations, because playing with makeup and my friends doesn't seem like work), I'm preparing to head on over to the United Kingdom! Whoop! WHAT?  Yes! I'm headed over to train and coach my UK team!  This little mascara gig keeps getting better and better!!!

If you haven't tried the mascara, or checked out my company, you NEED to!  Seriously.  With the incentive cruise to Jamaica and points for joining, now really is...THE TIME!!!  In case you don't know where to go to check it all out, here is my link: www.lesliesluxelashes.com

I can't wait to see what 2015 has in store!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxo,

Leslie

Baby It's FREEZING outside!

Well...It's January in the Midwest!  Not one week back to school and we have a cancellation!  You'd think for snow, but alas...for wind chills down to -25!

So while I was looking forward to having a few hours to work ALONE, clean, organize and maybe hit the gym, I'm STUCK.  Stuck at home with three crazy boys who desperately want to go outside and play.

Boys: "Mom! We're going outside to build an igloo."
Me: "You can't. It's too cold."
Boys: "We will wear a coat!"
Me. "You can't. It's too cold."
Boys: "But we'll wear a hat and gloves and put on 4 pair of underwear!"
Me. "Great. Who's doing the laundry?  You can't go outside.  You'll die."
Boys: "Why do the cats get to go outside?"
Me. (Thinking...good question!)  "So they don't pee in the house!"
Boys: "But we want to go outside."
Me. "I'll get arrested if I let you outside.  Want some candy?"

Kill me!  What's even BETTER?  My husband is traveling, so I get to administer to cabin fever relief  all alone.  Wonderful.

So while I keep warm inside, and keep the boys from killing themselves and each other, I battle boredom by working on my mascara biz!  I decided to make a little video today, to capture all the wonderful results of our mascara (and to divert myself from the inevitable mess my boys have made upstairs and down!).

http://flipagram.com/f/OpehBYf46L

If you've been curious, I sell Younique's 3D fiber lash mascara.  I've never sold a thing in my life, but I still GIGGLE every day when I put it on because I can't believe the results!

Before I started with Younique, I had SERIOUSLY contemplated getting mink eyelash extensions!  $300 a pop with $50 fills every two weeks.  Yikes!  Even if I HAD the money...I'd never be able to sit still! What a waste of time!!!  So...enter in Younique! My friend had an online party (this same frigid time last year), and I decided to give it a whirl!  I mean, for $99.00 I got $400 worth of make up and some extra cash!

I had NO idea, that this little adventure would turn into a HUGE career!  Less than a year in, I have well over 1500 women and men on my team and I achieved the highest promotion level in the company!  Not only that, I've cruised with 150 of my friends (paid for by the company), gone to Dallas for convention, and attended an elite training at the owner's home and lodge in Utah!

So...if you are like me, stuck at home this boring winter, wondering what to do...join the fun!  I'm so glad I did!  My only regret is I didn't learn about this opportunity earlier!  The extra income has allowed my family SOOOO many blessings from vacations, new windows to having extra time to play!

If you'd been looking for something NEW...check it out:  www.lesliesluxelashes.com

Ok...back to mom duty!  Hopefully this winter is SHORT!

Stay warm!