FINE PRINT ALERT!
Here's my disclaimer to my blog. I'm not really going to edit this blog. I mean REALLY edit this blog. So if you are prone to finding typos and pointing them out...well get ready for a field day! Why? If I edit and proof-read, then I'll PERFECT myself out of my message. I'll re-think, re-write and then decide to NEVER publish my true feelings. That's the truth. Over-editing = lack of authenticity for me. If I sit on my work for a day or two, then I lose the courage to PUBLISH my raw thoughts. So bear with me. Have patience and understanding and remember I'm just a mom, trying to do the best I can with the gifts I've been given!
When I write, I'm not alone. I have my dad, Harvard Law educated attorney in my mind, and my two attorney sisters watching, editing and judging. Not to say that is actually what they are doing, that is what is in my MIND. My mom and my Grandma (english teachers) are also there, editing my work. Visually, as I write, I see a sea of red ink. My work -- massacred. Killed. Crushed. Beaten to death. Edits, revisions, someone else's words and thoughts, but not my own. When I see the red, I feel..scarcity - I'm not good enough. I needed someone else's thoughts, knowledge and expertise to make my thoughts palatable.
Perfection is a shield of mine. I use it to protect myself. If I'm perfect, I cannot be harmed by others. So everything I do, say and how I look needs to be as iron-clad as possible. Bullet proof. Ironically, I once off-handedly confessed to a friend of mine who complimented me on how "put together" I looked, that it is "when I look the most put together on the outside that I'm falling apart on the inside." That is the truth. I put an armor on. A shield up to protect myself from the battles I face everyday.
My armor is strong. I've built it up over the years and it is nearly impervious to small-minded dirt throwers. But today, I read that having cracks lets the light in. That thought resonated with me. If I'm perfect; if I am Titanium and bullet proof, then no light can come in! I want that light! I want to shine! I want to be disinfected from my shame, my baggage and my perceived failings! I want people to see ME and to like me for...ME!!! Because I'm not perfect! I'm beautifully flawed! I'm NOT the best mom in the world and that is OK...because I have yet to meet "the best mom!" I'm OK being me. Being Leslie. Being quirky, silly, potty-mouthed me who likes to go to bed early and wake at sunrise. My kids aren't perfect, my junk drawers are a mess, and YES!!! I have forgotten to order my kid's birthday cake! I'm FLAWED!!! There! I said it!!! Go ahead! Take aim!!
Here's the kicker. We all are flawed. All of us. You can spend your life looking for the flaws, or you can find the diamonds that years of pressure on those flaws have created! I had the most WONDERFUL conversation (via text message) with another "Y-sister" (Younique sister) tonight. She let her guard down. She got real. She's sweet and loves her husband -- flaws and all -- just as my husband and I love each other for all our short-comings. It does make me mad. I makes me VERY mad that we throw rocks at each other and pass those glaring, knowing eye-rolling eyes to others when someone makes a choice to live life differently from us.
Anyway, I figured I should put it out there -- even in legal fine print -- that my blog will have FLAWS. There will be typos, misspellings and more grammatical errors than I probably know about, but if you are reading this...then you don't really care do you?
Live Life UN-EDITED! Dare greatly!
xoxoxoxoxo
Leslie
No comments:
Post a Comment